Jarrod's Collection of Irrelevant E-mail Signatures

You know what I'm talking about. Someone sends you some e-mail and there, at the bottom, underneath their name, their e-mail address, their web address, their school or company name, and their disclaimer that all views expressed are those of the author and not of his/her organization, is some seemingly random quote from somebody. Sometimes it's a well-known quote from a well-known person. Sometimes it's an obscure quote from an obscure person. Sometimes it's some "words of wisdom" written by the e-mail's author. Never is it relevant to anything you've read in the message.

I have collected some quotes I would routinely use in my e-mail signatures if I had no regard for the human species whatsoever. But, being a relatively nice guy, I will spare my e-mail recipients and just put the quotes here, where you only have to read them if you want to.

"I have no college degree, so take what I say with that in mind."

--Michael Moore

"Where. . . the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps weigh just 1-1/2 tons."

--Popular Mechanics, March 1949

"Dementia is similar to creativity but without the expense of art supplies."

--Scott Adams

"Lane Ends--Merge Left."

--A road sign on my way to work

"It's like an eight-armed gorilla in a saloon fight."

--Dr. Tom Payne, describing an operating system concept

"Yes? . . . No? . . . You have no idea?"

--Dr. HyungJun Kim, looking for any semblance of understanding from his EE1A students

"DO NOT OVERCOOK."

--Cooking instructions on a Noodle Roni box

"But so sore did abe ite ivvy's holired abbles, (what with the wallhall's horrors of rollsrights, carhacks, stonengens, kisstvanes, tramtrees, fargobawlers, autokinotons, hippohobbilies, streetfleets, tournintaxes, megaphoggs, circuses and wardsmonts and basilikerks and aeropagods and the hoyse and the jollybrool and the peeler in the coat and the mecklenburk bitch bite at his ear and the merlinburrow burrocks and his fore old porecourts, the bore the more, and his blightback workingstacks at twelvepins a dozen and the noobibusses sleighding along Safetyfirst Street and the derryjellybies snooping around Tell-No-Tailors' Corner and the fumes and the hopes and the strupithump of his ville's indigenous romekeepers, homesweepers, domecreepers thurum and thurum in fancymud murumd and all the uproor from all the aufroos, a roof for may and a reef for hugh butt under his bridge suits tony) wan warning Phill filt tippling full."

--James Joyce, excerpt from Finnegans Wake

". . . after 'domecreepers' insert comma . . . for 'aufroos' read 'aufroofs' . . ."

--James Joyce, excerpt from Corrections of Misprints in Finnegans Wake

Got your own e-mail signature? Keep it to yourself.

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