22nd--A recent survey showed that 53 percent of Americans who bought a motorized treadmill during the last five years still use it. Yeah, to hang their clothes on.
21st--51 percent of Americans polled believe that civilization will be destroyed by a man-made disaster during the next 100 years. 38 percent believe that it will be 'NSYNC.
20th--Last weekend, a woman in California came down from the redwood tree she had been in continuously for the past two years. She had been living in the tree for three reasons: one, she wanted to keep the tree from being cut down by loggers; two, she wanted to call attention to environmentally destructive commercial practices; and three, she is totally out of her mind.
19th--Last week, Boy George was hit in the head by a 62-pound disco ball. But the good news is, he never lost consciousness and still remembers who he is. Too bad nobody else does.
18th--Well, it looks like NASA's troubles are continuing. Yesterday, a planned launch of the space shuttle had to be postponed. The launch was called off after NASA was unable to find the shuttle.
Gobble gobble gobble.
16th--Early this morning, Southern California was rocked by a powerful 7.0 earthquake, but, fortunately, nobody was seriously injured. An Amtrak train did derail during the quake, but that would've happened anyway.
20th--This past weekend, Miss America 2000 was crowned. Some experts on the Y2K problem fear that, come January 1st, Miss America will still not be able to tell what year it is.
Keep moving. Nothing to see here.
29th--Spike Lee says that he didn't really mean it when he said that National Rifle Association president Charlton Heston should be shot. Lee says that what he really meant to say is that someone should bust a cap in Charlton Heston's ass.
24th--Last week, a cruise ship sank off the coast of Malaysia. The boat capsized after being struck by an errant NATO bomb.
12th--Russian president Boris Yeltsin has fired his entire Cabinet after discovering that it did not contain any liquor.
23rd--A newspaper report says that chicken slaughtering is at the top of the list of jobs where individuals are most likely to get hurt. Especially if the individuals are chickens.
19th--A group of college students have set up camp outside a movie theater in California to wait in line for the new Star Wars movie, even though the film doesn't open for another month. The young men say that they want to be the very first to see the movie because it will be a great story to tell their children one day. Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
17th--The Lakers released Dennis Rodman from the team Thursday after he was late to practice again. Rodman said he was late because he was looking for his socks and shoes. It wasn't until much later that he realized he was already wearing them. On his hands.
16th--Well, Dennis Rodman has been dropped by the Los Angeles Lakers. In an official statement explaining why they released Rodman, the Lakers said, "That dude's a freak."
15th--Scientists have identified 10,000 components in wine. Actually, there are only 5,000 components, but the scientists were seeing double from drinking all that wine.
14th--Well, tomorrow is the deadline for filing your federal income tax return and Bill Clinton isn't looking forward to it. He just found out that he can no longer claim Monica Lewinsky as a dependent.
13th--Denouncing the gender gap in the average American salary, President Clinton said last week that there should be equal pay for women, especially the cute ones.
12th--President Clinton says that a fiscally strong China is good for Americans. Well, Americans who receive campaign contributions.
11th--There's a new discount emergency medical service available that lets you save up to 50 percent on ambulance rides. Just dial 10-10-911.
10th--Vice President Al Gore announced yesterday that he is confident that all government computer systems will be fully Y2K-compliant by the stroke of midnight on January 1st, 1900.
9th--A recent survey about violence in the U.S. revealed that 17 percent of Americans believe the country is becoming less violent, 21 percent of Americans believe the country is getting more violent, and a whopping 62 percent of Americans will kick your ass if you don't get the hell away from them.
8th--The New Jersey man who was arrested last week for creating the "Melissa" computer virus says that he named the virus after a stripper. Coincidentally, you can rid your computer of the virus by shoving a dollar bill into the CD-ROM drive.
6th--Vice President Al Gore recently made headlines when he said that he created the internet. Gore now admits that what he really meant to say was that he created the "Melissa" virus.
3rd--There's a court in San Francisco that hears cases involving dogs that have misbehaved. Johnny Cochran has already represented one of the dogs, successfully getting his client acquitted by arguing that "if it's not his paw print, he is IN-NO-CINT!"
25th--A college in Boston is offering a course in kissing. This is one class where you don't want to say the dog ate your homework.
24th--Opponents of the proposed "Star Wars" missile defense system are denouncing the plan as an old rehashed idea from the Reagan era. Supporters of the plan insist that it is more of a "prequel."
23rd--Ford has announced a recall of nearly one million minivans. The company says that the vans in question need to be fixed or repaired daily.
22nd--Lawmakers in Washington are working on a missile system nicknamed after the movie "Star Wars." The current version of the plan features Vice President Al Gore as the android C-3PO, Senator Strom Thurmond as Yoda, and Bill Clinton as Jabba the Hutt.
21st--Oscar-nominated actress Cate Blanchett will wear a pair of shoes costing $110,000 to the Academy Awards tonight. What's she thinking wearing Air Jordans to the Oscars?
20th--Earlier this week, the Senate voted to deploy a "Star Wars" missile defense system. Late Thursday night, all over the country, thousands of confused moviegoers began lining up outside theaters.
19th--This week, the stock market flirted with 10,000. So did Bill Clinton.
17th--Last week in Southern California, police discovered two million dollars worth of counterfeit Microsoft software. The police became suspicious after the software ran for more than ten minutes without crashing.
16th--Last week, police in Southern California cracked down on a group of software pirates by confiscating two million dollars worth of bogus Microsoft products. In the counterfeiters' defense, it should be noted that all Microsoft products are bogus.
13th--Earlier today, the most powerful man in America finally heeded the many calls for him to step down. That's right: Michael Jordan has retired.
11th--Disney CEO Michael Eisner had his annual bonus cut in half last year due to poor company earnings. Eisner is blaming the decline in Disney's profits on "Mickey Mouse's cocaine habit."
10th--This past Friday, two officials on the Salt Lake City Organizing Committee resigned after they admitted that committee members used bribery to win the right to host the 2002 Winter Olympics. The officials then announced that they have been hired by the Clinton legal defense team.
9th--Computer experts agree that the most frightening aspect of the Y2K bug is the very real chance that at the stroke of midnight on December 31st, 1999, everybody will be watching "Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve 1900."
Fortunately, the experts say, no one will notice the problem, because Dick Clark looks the same now as he did in 1900.
8th--It looks like Elizabeth Dole is planning to run for President in 2000. She's left the Red Cross, she's started a campaign fund, and she's begun taking Viagra.
7th--Everyone's excited that the NBA lockout is finally over. But now the FBI is investigating Salt Lake City officials on charges that they have illegally bribed Michael Jordan to retire.
4th--Prince has announced that he is changing the name of his hit song to "The Year Formerly Known as 1998."