11th--A 911 operator was fired because he asked a woman for a date after she called to report that her house had been burglarized. "Where is the burglar now, ma'am? Okay. . . and what are you wearing?"
10th--A man was fired after he asked out a woman he met when he answered her call to 911 to report a burglary. This gives new meaning to the term "911 operator."
8th--A New York City taxi driver hit three cars and one pedestrian in his first day on the job. The driver says he knows he's off to a bad start, but he's confident that with the proper training, he can double those numbers.
11th--Congress is planning to take Kenneth Starr's report on President Clinton's alleged unethical activities and publish it on the Internet later today. I don't get it. I thought that the Republicans wanted to ban pornography on the Internet.
20th--President Clinton has submitted a sample of his DNA to investigators. Prosecutors hope that the sample will prove once and for all that Clinton is a congenital liar.
13th--A Boston Globe columnist has been suspended for stealing jokes from a George Carlin book and using them in his newspaper column. I think that's truly despicable. And now, here is my list of the seven words you can't say on television. . .
30th--Late last night, President Clinton stunned America when he admitted, contrary to his earlier testimony, that he has won the Powerball lottery.
10th--The federal government has announced a new one-billion-dollar advertising campaign to try to convince kids to not use drugs. The ads will warn kids that if they use drugs, they might one day become President of the United States.
4th--The president of Yahoo, the internet search engine company, officially became a billionaire last week. When asked for comment, the executive said, "Yahoo!"
8th--McDonald's has added a new ice cream dessert to its menu called the "McFlurry." This is not to be confused with McDonald's new mystery meat burger, the "McFurry."
14th--Microsoft has announced that it is voluntarily delaying the release of Windows 98 while the company deals with allegations of unfair business practices that have been brought against it. When asked for comment last night, Bill Gates replied, "Shut up! I'm watching 'Seinfeld!'"
14th--During a recent appearance on a British talk show, O.J. Simpson pretended to stab the female host with a banana he had taken out of his pocket. "Hey, O.J. Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just going to kill me?"
25th--Last weekend, Vice President Al Gore said that a tax increase on cigarettes of $1.10 over a five-year period will cut teenage smoking by 42 percent. Gore then unveiled a proposal to increase the minimum wage by $1.10 over a five-year period.
24th--A religious group in Texas says that God will appear on television sets everywhere at midnight tonight. Apparently, He and Satan are going to be on "The Jerry Springer Show."
14th--Last week, Bob Barker taped the 5,000th episode of "The Price is Right." In honor of the milestone, Barker received a case of Rice-A-Roni and a new washing machine.
He would have gotten a new car, but he incorrectly guessed that it was the 6,000th show.
February is too short to be funny.
17th--Tragedy struck yesterday at a showing of the hit movie, "Titanic." Apparently, there was so much ice in one guy's Coke that the entire theater sank.
6th--I think Burger King's "new and improved" french fries are overrated. The only reason they taste better than they used to is that the guy behind the counter doesn't drop them on the floor anymore.
2nd--My New Year's resolution is to never reuse an old punchline in any of my jokes. They're calling it "Must-Seizure TV."
1st--The producers of that Japanese cartoon show that caused viewers to black out and go into convulsions are now trying to bring the program to American television. NBC says that they're very interested in broadcasting the cartoon and have already come up with a slogan. They're calling it "Must-Seizure TV."