26th--Boxing champion Oscar De La Hoya wants his hometown to rename the street he lives on after him. I guess that would make it "Jerk Boulevard."
25th--Paul McCartney has a new CD out that consists of classical music he composed. Some people say that if you play the CD backwards, you can hear a voice saying, "Paul's career is dead."
23rd--Last night, New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani hosted "Saturday Night Live." Giuliani said he wanted to host the show because he was tired of people laughing at him.
22nd--Last week, toy maker Mattel said that it is updating Barbie for the nineties by giving her a more realistic figure. That seemed okay to me, but now listen to this: yesterday, Mattel announced that it is going to replace Barbie's longtime love interest, Ken, with a new doll named Ellen.
21st--Responding last week to accusations made by the federal government that Microsoft has been engaging in unfair business practices, Bill Gates said that his company is the target of a witch hunt. He then got on his broom and flew away.
12th--Kodak, the world's largest photography company, announced yesterday that it's going to cut 10,000 jobs. "Say government cheese!"
9th--Disney has made a sequel to its popular movie "Angels in the Outfield." The new one's about a high school football team and is called "Angels in the Endzone." And now they're planning to make another one about a youth hockey team. That one will be called "Angels in the Penalty Box."
30th--In a recent survey, people were asked if they thought that the IRS has grown too large. 63 percent of the people said, "Yes," while 37 percent said, "No, and I would say that even if I didn't work for the IRS."
23rd--A professor at the University of California, Santa Cruz, has been chosen to oversee a federally funded study of marijuana use. The professor says that by the end of the study, if all goes well, he should be really, really stoned.
9th--A trucking firm that installed hidden cameras in the company restrooms is now being sued by some of its employees. The case is going to be heard in the Peeper's Court.
29th--This past weekend, President Clinton went to his high school reunion. Incidentally, during his senior year, Clinton was voted "Most Likely To Be Impeached."
26th--The FBI has released its secret files on John Lennon. The biggest surprise: Sargeant Pepper was really only a private.
25th--Tonight, in a groundbreaking experiment, NBC is going to broadcast "ER" live. And, in another groundbreaking experiment by NBC, this weekend's "Saturday Night Live" is going to be funny.
18th--A new television channel is being created that will broadcast on airliners. It will be exactly like a regular television channel, except that all of the programs will start 45 minutes behind schedule.
17th--The White House is denying that the reason the IRS is going to audit Paula Jones is to retaliate for her accusations of sexual harassment against President Clinton. They point out that millions of people have been audited by the IRS in the past. Of course, it should be noted that all of those people accused President Clinton of sexual harassment too.
16th--Paula Jones is going to be audited by the IRS. And she thought President Clinton harassed her. . .
15th--Some web page designers are in trouble with the city of Los Angeles over a page they created for the local government called "City of Los Angeles Sucks." But the designers are saying that it was an honest mistake; they meant to call the page "City of Los Angeles Bites."
14th--A man is suing a group of software companies for nine million dollars because he says that there is excessive empty space inside their software packaging. The manufacturers have countered by arguing that there is excessive empty space inside the man's head.
13th--Bill Gates is reportedly unhappy with his new 50-million-dollar mansion. Well, actually, he likes the house; it's the apple tree in the front yard he doesn't care for.
12th--Bill Gates is finally moving into his new 50-million-dollar home after seven years of construction. It would have been finished a lot sooner, but the builders were having trouble installing windows.
11th--Pete Rose, who was banned from major-league baseball for betting on games, is trying to get himself reinstated so that he can be inducted into the Hall of Fame. When asked if he really thinks he can get his lifetime ban removed, Rose said, "I sure hope so, 'cause I've got fifty bucks ridin' on it."
10th--America Online has joined a partnership that will sell and distribute music over the internet, starting with a Duran Duran release. Internet experts reacted to the news by saying, "What? Duran Duran is still around?"
9th--The makers of 7-Up are thinking about changing their product in an effort to boost sales. Some of the changes they're considering are improving the drink's flavor, lowering prices, and changing the name to Sprite.
8th--President Clinton's annual 3-week vacation has come to an end and he has returned to the White House, where he will now begin his annual 49-week vacation.
7th--Russia is 850 years old. That's amazing. It doesn't look a day over 800.
6th--More and more people say that electronic communication is continually interrupting them and preventing them from finishing their work. Hang on a second. I gotta check my e-mail.
5th--A sheriff's department in California has been focusing its efforts on the growing problem of protecting avocados from being stolen. But yesterday, the department was accused of brutality after one of the deputies was seen with a bowl of guacamole.
4th--I'm not saying my professor is guilty of inflating grades, but he's got a helium tank behind his desk.
3rd--I don't know why people are so surprised that there's a problem of grade inflation in American colleges. After all, most professors are full of hot air.
2nd--Some people say that grade inflation is a growing problem in American colleges, and I can tell you from personal experience that it's true. To get an "A" these days, I have to bribe my professors with twice as much money as I used to.
1st--Every five minutes, a person in the United States gets fired. Man, he must really suck.
31st--Today is the first day of the National Football League season. Of course, here in Los Angeles, it's just "Sunday."
30th--Maybe the Dodgers should add a UPS driver to their pitching staff. That way they'd finally have somebody who knows what a strike is.
29th--It now turns out that Michael Jordan's new contract with the Chicago Bulls is only for 33 million dollars, not 36 million as had been previously reported. What happened was, the Bulls were going to give him 36 million dollars, but then they found out that there's only 33 million dollars left in the world that Michael Jordan doesn't already have.
28th--Michael Jordan has signed a new one-year contract with the Chicago Bulls for a reported 36 million dollars. Do you realize how much money that is? Michael Jordan could give one dollar to every rat in New York City and still have millions of dollars left over!
27th--A recent report reveals that New York City is infested with 28 million rats. But city officials say they're confident that with a little effort, they can get that number up to 30 million.
26th--Los Angeles has a new law that makes panhandling punishable by a fifty-dollar fine. "Fifty dollars, your honor? Okay. Say, can you spare a dime? Thanks! Just keep it and I'll owe you $49.90."
25th--That woman who had her lawsuit against Disney thrown out of court is going to appeal the ruling because she says the judge was not impartial. She claims that he came into the courtroom every day wearing a pair of those giant mouse ears.
24th--You remember that woman who was suing Disney because her grandkids saw Disney characters taking their heads off at Disneyland? Well, it turns out that she's a former Mouseketeer. "M-I-C. . . see ya in court! K-E-Y. . . why? Because I want to get rich off of a frivolous lawsuit! M-O-U-S-E!"
23rd--A judge has thrown out the lawsuit by that woman who was suing Disney because her grandkids were upset when they saw Disney characters take off their heads at Disneyland. Now, however, Disney is countersuing the woman for copyright infringement while she's been impersonating "Dopey."
22nd--You know that woman who's suing Disney because her grandkids were upset when they saw the Disney characters without their heads on at Disneyland? Well, now she's suing Santa Claus too. She says that, year in and year out, when her grandchildren come to her house on Christmas morning, there are never any presents for them.
21st--Have you heard about this woman who's suing Disney because she says that her grandchildren were traumatized when they saw cartoon characters walking around Disneyland without their heads on? Well, it looks like she's at it again. Now she's suing the tooth fairy because she says one of her grandkids put a tooth under his pillow and when he woke up in the morning, it was still there.
20th--A woman is suing the Walt Disney Company because she says that her grandkids were traumatized when they saw Mickey Mouse walking around Disneyland without his head on. If I were this woman, I'd be careful about suing Disney; she may wake up one morning and find Mickey's head in her bed.
19th--It looks like the UPS strike is about to end and employees will soon be making deliveries for the first time in over two weeks. Well, actually, that's only if you don't count all the time they've spent delivering the finger to company management.
18th--Due to the UPS strike, the Post Office is handling amounts of mail that it usually only sees during the Christmas season. Because of this, the Post Office is now operating under its Christmastime policy, which means that if you mail something today, it will be delivered in January.
17th--Shaquille O'Neal says he plays a realistic superhero in his new movie, "Steel." Well, yeah, I guess his character is pretty realistic. He can't fly, he can't outrun a train, and he can't make a free throw.
16th--Today is the twentieth anniversary of Elvis Presley's death. Elvis was unavailable for comment.
15th--This weekend, in honor of the twentieth anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, Elvis impersonators are going to put on a show called "The Three Faces of Elvis," a tribute to the three main stages of Presley's career. This is not to be confused with another show that will focus only on the later years of Presley's stardom; that one's called "The Three Chins of Elvis."
14th--Tonight, ABC is rebroadcasting the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight. And it looks like the network is cashing in on the bout's notoriety: immediately before the fight, ABC is going to air a brand-new Barbara Walters special, "The World's Most Fascinating Cannibals."
13th--NBA basketball player Kevin Garnett has turned down a six-year, 103-million-dollar contract offered to him by the Minnesota Timberwolves because he says they aren't paying him what he's worth. Oh, come on, Kevin! Would you really rather be paid fifty bucks?
12th--Shaquille O'Neal is starring in a new movie called "Steel." This is the first in a series of O'Neal films that are going to be named after construction materials; next up is a documentary about his basketball career called "Brick."
11th--This Thursday, ABC is going to rerun the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight. The network says it wants to give people who haven't seen what happened a chance to see it for themselves. Apparently, ABC is looking to score big ratings in the coveted category of "People Who Have Been in Comas for Several Months."
10th--A man was arrested last week for impersonating a female soap opera star. In a related story, Richard Simmons has been arrested for impersonating a male fitness expert.
9th--President Clinton says that he would like Tom Hanks to play him in a movie. Um, didn't Tom Hanks already do that? It was called "Forrest Gump."
8th--A man has been arrested in Minnesota for impersonating a female soap opera star. Apparently, he was very convincing; he even beat Susan Lucci at the Daytime Emmy Awards.
7th--The California state budget is now 38 days overdue. But Governor Pete Wilson has come up with a new excuse for the delay; he says the budget would have been delivered by now, but it was coming UPS.
6th--Each day during the ongoing UPS strike, a few employees have been picketing in front of the home of the company's president. What they do is, they ring the guy's doorbell and leave their picket signs on his front porch.
5th--Today's joke is unavailable because the UPS guy who's supposed to deliver it is on strike.
4th--UPS workers have gone on strike, leaving twelve million letters and packages undelivered each day. Well, finally, the Post Office is getting some competition!
3rd--UPS workers are threatening to go on strike tonight at midnight and the chances of a settlement don't look good. Earlier today, union leaders sent a list of demands to company executives via Fed Ex.
2nd--On Thursday, August 14th, ABC is going to replay the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight. And right after the fight, you can switch over to NBC and watch Holyfield have his ear reattached on "ER."
1st--Later this month, ABC is going to broadcast the Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield fight. Gee, I wonder how it ends.
31st--Six mechanics working for American Airlines have been arrested for smuggling drugs into the United States on planes. The mechanics claim that they were just trying to help the airline live up to its advertising slogan: "Something special in the air."
30th--What's President Clinton doing having a hot tub installed at the White House? Isn't this guy already in enough hot water?
29th--In an attempt to keep a judge from seizing his possessions, O.J. Simpson is claiming that he doesn't actually own certain items at his home. For instance, he says the new car in his driveway belongs to his sisters, the piano in his house belongs to his mother, and the knife buried in his backyard belongs to his dog.
28th--President Clinton has seen the new movie, "Air Force One," about terrorists hijacking the President's plane, but he says the movie wasn't as scary as the time when the real Air Force One ran out of Twinkies.
27th--A seven-seat hot tub has been installed at the White House. That means it has enough room for President Clinton and one or two other people.
26th--Apparently, the new freeway in California that's controlled by computers was built by mistake. Governor Pete Wilson is now saying, "I wanted a new freeway for a bunch of commuters!"
25th--There's a new freeway in southern California with computers that automatically drive the vehicles passing through. But it's not yet fully functional--they're still trying to figure out a way to let the computers give each other the finger.
24th--Southern California has a new freeway controlled by a computer that automatically drives the cars. And the best part is, if you get a ticket, the computer goes to traffic school for you.
23rd--An automated freeway has been built in southern California that allows cars to be driven by a computer. The only problem is, the computer keeps having trouble reaching the gas pedal.
22nd--A Colorado town has elected a dog to be its mayor. But it's still unclear whether the new mayor will serve for four years or for twenty-eight years.
21st--A dog has been elected mayor in a small town in Colorado. Janitors at city hall had to spend all day covering the floor of the mayor's office with newspaper.
20th--A small town in Colorado has elected a dog as its mayor. The new mayor's first piece of business was to order the installation of a thousand more fire hydrants.
19th--McDonald's has announced that its profits rose four percent over the past three months. So I guess this means that President Clinton has gone off his diet again.
18th--A Wisconsin man was fired from his job after being accused of sexual harassment when he discussed a risque episode of "Seinfeld" with a female co-worker. But now the man has won a 26.6-million-dollar lawsuit against his former employer. 26.6 million dollars! The only way he could have made any more money from one episode of "Seinfeld" is if he were a cast member.
17th--The NASA Mars Probe has finished examining a rock named "Yogi," but scientists are even more amazed by what the probe has found in the area around "Yogi": several empty picnic baskets.
16th--White House officials are upset that clips of President Clinton were included in the new movie, "Contact," about humans meeting beings from outer space. The White House is particularly upset about a scene in which the President appears to hit on one of the female aliens.
15th--Vice President Al Gore says that he has seen the new science-fiction film, "Contact," and he liked it a lot, but he still wishes they would make a movie about his home planet.
14th--After seeing the movie, "Men in Black," about creatures from outer space living in the United States, House Speaker Newt Gingrich hurriedly introduced a bill that would deny these aliens any welfare benefits.
13th--It has been reported that Mike Tyson may get a job as a television fight analyst. That's funny, I didn't think pit bull fighting was televised.
12th--Rocks found by the NASA Mars probe have been named "Yogi," "Casper," and "Scooby Doo" by scientists. Pretty soon, they're going to have to rename the planet "Toon Town."
11th--A woman in Virginia has been charged with animal cruelty after piercing the ears of a two-month-old deer and putting earrings on the animal. When asked why she pierced the fawn's ears, the woman replied, "Because I couldn't find its navel."
10th--Someone has offered to buy O.J. Simpson's Heisman trophy for one million dollars and melt it down on pay-per-view TV. Not surprisingly, Don King is now offering two million dollars to buy the trophy, put it on pay-per-view, and have Mike Tyson bite its ears off.
9th--Scientists believe that water that was once on the surface of Mars gradually evaporated, becoming shallower and shallower until nothing was left. In fact, several pictures sent back by the NASA Mars probe show objects that, if viewed from a certain angle, appear to be "No Diving" signs.
8th--The NASA Mars probe has found indisputable evidence that water once existed on that planet. In one of the pictures sent back by the probe, scientists can clearly make out an empty Evian bottle.
7th--Mike Tyson was seen at a Fourth of July barbeque eating two big ears of corn.
6th--The third-place finisher in a hot dog-eating contest in New York has announced his retirement from such events. Next week, however, he will be competing against Mike Tyson in an ear-eating contest.
5th--In celebration of the Fourth of July, a hot dog-eating contest was held yesterday in New York. The winner ate 24 and 1/2 hot dogs in twelve minutes; the hot dogs then declared their independence from the winner's stomach.
4th--Shaquille O'Neal has been donating a lot of his time this summer to charity events. But judging from his free-throw shooting ability, I think he should be spending more time at the charity stripe.
3rd--One second was added to Monday to keep in sync with the earth's rotation. So be sure to set all your clocks.
2nd--It looks like Mike Tyson is doing what he can to prepare for a possible suspension of his boxing career. Earlier today, I saw him at the mall working in one of those ear-piercing booths.
1st--Yesterday, Mike Tyson held a press conference to apologize for biting Evander Holyfield during their boxing match last weekend. But not many reporters showed up for the conference; a lot of them were worried that Tyson would talk their ears off.
30th--After being disqualified from Saturday night's fight for biting Evander Holyfield's ears, Mike Tyson said, "I'm going to Disneyland!" I just have one thing to say: LOOK OUT, MICKEY!!!
29th--A three-year-old boy in Colorado received a summons for jury duty. But common sense has prevailed; the boy has been excused because his boss wouldn't give him time off from work.
28th--Tonight is the big Mike Tyson-Evander Holyfield rematch. Tyson measures in at five feet, eleven and a half inches; Holyfield measures in at six feet, two and a half inches. And measuring in at six feet, four and a half inches: Don King's hair.
27th--Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled the Communications Decency Act unconstitutional. But President Clinton said that the war on internet pornography is not over, and he asked anyone who finds obscene material to let him know where it's at, so he can check it out personally.
26th--The X Games, featuring unusual athletic competitions, are taking place this week in San Diego. These are not to be confused with the Ex Games, which take place every week in divorce courts all across the country.
25th--O.J. Simpson's lawyers say that O.J. has no means of income and cannot pay off the 33.5-million-dollar court judgement against him. O.J.'s not able to make any money? I think the past has shown us that anytime O.J. really wants to, he can make a killing.
24th--George Clooney, who plays an emergency room physician on the television show, "ER," was apparently somewhat confused while playing Batman in the new "Batman & Robin" movie. Less than fifteen minutes into the film, Batman has already diagnosed his enemy, Mr. Freeze, as being hypothermic and ordered Batgirl to get a rabies shot.
23rd--Yesterday was the California 500 auto race. It definitely had a southern California atmosphere; instead of the traditional command of "Gentlemen, start your engines," the drivers were told: "Dude, like, start going."
22nd--Today is the California 500 auto race. It will feature many drivers going almost 200 miles an hour. You know--just like on the freeway.
21st--O.J. Simpson's missing Heisman trophy has been found. It was recovered by the police following a low-speed freeway chase that began after the trophy was spotted with A.C. Cowlings in a white Ford Bronco headed for Mexico.
20th--O.J. Simpson's missing Heisman trophy has finally turned up. When questioned about the trophy's whereabouts all this time, O.J. told the police that it's been out in his backyard chipping golf balls.
19th--A security hole in a popular web browser has been discovered that allows a web site operator to read the contents of the hard drive of a person connected to that site and. . . boy, you've got a lot of junk on your computer.
18th--Sears has agreed to stop forcing bankrupt customers to pay off their charge card debts. So it looks like that's the end of the store's new slogan, "Come see the more violent side of Sears."
17th--Yesterday, Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott called President Clinton a spoiled brat. Clinton responded by holding a press conference to say, "Am NOT!"
Later, Newt Gingrich called a press conference of his own to say, "Are TOO!"
16th--Last week, President Clinton finally signed a disaster relief bill to help flood victims in the Midwest. Republicans say they're happy that the bill has been moved out of the White House and they can now go to work on their next goal: moving Bill out of the White House.
15th--Last week, President Clinton presented former President George Bush with a birthday cake. Bush made a wish and blew out the candles, but apparently his wish didn't come true, since Clinton is still the President.
14th--A woman was on the news the other day because she says she found a spiritual message written in the middle of a tomato. I think the media goes way overboard in its coverage of this type of thing--today I saw a story about a person who found a spiritual message written in the middle of a Bible.
13th--Dennis Rodman has been fined 50,000 dollars by the NBA for making derogatory comments about Mormons. Leave it to Rodman to lose more money in Utah than he did in Las Vegas.
There's nothing funny about May.
30th--The new movie, "Volcano," has been out for less than a week, but it's already created a new catch phrase that's sweeping the country: "Show me the lava!!!"
1st--Earlier today, President Clinton announced in a press conference that, due to mounting pressure from investigations into Democratic Party fund-raising and the Whitewater land deal, he is resigning. He then closed the press conference by saying, "APRIL FOOLS!!!"
29th--On Thursday, Charles Manson was denied parole for the ninth time. Upon learning that he would be staying in prison, Manson said, "Well, at least I'm still safe from O.J."
28th--Television producer Aaron Spelling says his mansion's roof leaks and he is suing his contractor for bad workmanship. I think if Aaron Spelling wants to sue any of his employees for bad workmanship, he should sue the cast of "Beverly Hills, 90210."
27th--Aaron Spelling, the producer of such television programs as "Beverly Hills, 90210" and "Melrose Place," is suing his contractor for five million dollars because his mansion has a leaky roof. In the lawsuit, Spelling says, "My roof has more holes in it than the plot of one of my TV shows."
26th--At the Academy Awards each year, they have a special tribute to the movie stars who've died during the previous year. But Monday's awards ceremony was so long that they had to have a tribute to all of the stars who had passed away since the start of the show.
25th--Responding to widespread criticism, Disneyland has reinstated the "Happy Hearts" program, which gives disabled people discounts on admission to the park. However, the regular 36-dollar ticket price will continue to increase under another program called "Weeping Wallets."
23rd--Disneyland has discontinued its "Happy Hearts" program, under which disabled people were able to enter the theme park at discount prices. Captain Hook is outraged.
20th--Locally, an abandoned bowling alley is being converted into a church. Services will be held Sunday mornings at 8 and 10; shoe rentals will be two dollars.
14th--President Clinton underwent surgery today to repair a tendon in his knee that he tore last night when he fell on some stairs. When asked for comment, Clinton said, "I feel my pain."
10th--The twelve-year-old star of the Broadway production of "Annie" has been fired because the show's producers were unhappy with her performance. The child has already hired an attorney, who has informed the producers: "The suit'll come out tomorrow. . . bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow, you'll be sued. . . ."
9th--In a poll of high school students in Los Angeles, nine percent said to the pollsters that they had brought a knife to school before, two percent said to the pollsters that they had brought a gun to school before, and eighty-nine percent said to the pollsters, "Gimme your wallet and you won't get hurt."
8th--Vice President Al Gore is planning a visit to an elementary school in Southern California. It looks like a new low for Gore--now he's asking second-graders to donate their lunch money to the Democratic National Committee.
7th--Wednesday, on a freeway in Pomona, California, a big rig overturned and spilled 25,000 pounds of carrots. Coincidentally, the resulting traffic jam consisted entirely of Volkswagen Rabbits.
6th--A nine-year-old boy has been arrested for writing his name in wet cement on a Las Vegas sidewalk. His parents claim he's innocent, and the boy even has an alibi for the time in question: he says he was at Caesar's Palace playing blackjack.
5th--Three professors at the University of California have been given a five-million-dollar grant to study child development. Apparently, they plan to study the children's development of a fondness for large sums of money.
4th--Yesterday, at a press conference, Vice President Al Gore denied that he has ever engaged in illegal campaign fund-raising. He then invited everyone to attend this weekend's "First Annual White House Bake Sale."
3rd--The winner of the women's division in yesterday's Los Angeles Marathon was disqualified for cutting through a gas station during the race. Actually, this isn't the first time she's broken the rules; at last year's New York City Marathon, she crossed the finish line in a cab.