Jokes Jarrod Wrote All By Himself in 1996

Yesterday, a bipartisan commission recommended that Ross Perot be excluded from the upcoming presidential debates because he doesn't have a realistic chance of winning the election. While they were at it, they suggested that Bob Dole stay home as well.

Under the new welfare reform plan, a person will only be able to receive payments for a maximum of five years without actually working. So, I guess that means if President Clinton gets reelected, he'll only be on the payroll for one more year.

Today, in an attempt to cash in on the latest dance craze, McDonald's unveiled a new item on its menu: the Big Macarena.

It looks like O.J. Simpson's civil trial will be subject to suppressed evidence and a gag order. Good, that means when news coverage of the trial comes on, it will be easier for me to suppress my gag reflex.

Four new female cadets entered The Citadel this past Saturday. The women were admitted to the formerly all-male military academy after testing negative for cooties.

The Food and Drug Administration has been authorized by President Clinton to regulate cigarette advertising so that it will not be seen by children. Tobacco industry executives said this is unfair and uncalled for, and also announced the cancellation of Marlboro's "Little Smoker Back- To-School Kit" promotion.

In a related story, Camel will discontinue its youth literacy program entitled "Books and Butts."

A new study shows that eating chocolate may affect the brain like smoking marijuana does. Earlier today, President Clinton held a press conference to announce that he experimented with a Snickers bar in the past, but he didn't swallow.

A 14-year-old boy managed to sneak into the Republican convention last week in San Diego by posing as a delegate. Security guards later realized the boy was an imposter when they noticed he was the only person on the convention floor who wasn't wearing a hearing aid.

The San Diego Padres were forced to move their three-game series against the New York Mets to Monterrey, Mexico because of a conflict with the Republican convention. I know that Republicans want to send everyone back to Mexico, but this is too much.

This month marks the fiftieth anniversary of "Candid Camera," the program featuring people saying and doing ridiculous things, apparently unaware that they're on television. You know--kind of like the Republican convention.

Like "Candid Camera," Bill Clinton turned 50 this month. They actually have something else in common too--they're both big jokes being played on the American public.

Blood banks are having a special summer promotion to encourage donations--when you give blood, you get free hot dogs after it's over. A word of advice: stay away from the ketchup.

The Food and Drug Administration has issued warnings to nine airlines about unsanitary practices in handling food. Aloha Airlines was cited for having a slimy, mold-like growth in galleys on its planes, but this warning was later dropped when it was learned that "slimy, mold-like growth" is actually an item on the in-flight menu.

Heading into the final months of the presidential campaign, Bill Clinton, in an attempt to improve his image, is trying to shed some weight. Her name is Hillary.

Apparently, President Clinton really is trying to lose some weight. Whenever the White House staff decides to order dinner from Domino's, they only get three or four pizzas. Of course, they have to order more when the president isn't eating by himself.

Have you heard about this 18-month-old boy who weighs 67 pounds? He's so big that whenever he does something bad, his parents don't spank him; they call the police and have him arrested.

Saturday, Bill Clinton signed a food safety bill into law that he said will make the "most bountiful food supply in the world" the safest, too. Well fine, that takes care of the White House's refrigerator, but what about the rest of us?

The media has come under attack recently for supposedly having a liberal bias. A spokesman for the Associated Press called these allegations completely untrue, saying, "Anyone who believes that is a stupid Republican."

Sad news from the Olympics: Izzy, the lovable, fuzzy blue mascot of the Games, has been disqualified after testing positive for steroids.

Next weekend at the closing ceremonies, the Olympic flame will be extinguished. Olympic organizers have selected Bob Dole to do the honors since he has some experience putting out large flames--just last week he had to blow out all the candles on his birthday cake.

NBA superstar Shaquille O'Neal has just signed a 120-million-dollar contract to play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers. A hundred and twenty million dollars! Do you know what that means? It means that when O'Neal goes to see his new movie, "Kazaam," he'll also be able to buy a Coke.

Last Saturday, a man and woman were married at the Wal-Mart store where they first met as employees. The newlyweds will honeymoon at the Price Club and live at Sears.

The couple were in a hurry to be married, so the ceremony was held in the express lane.

The wedding was momentarily interrupted when the bride had to run a price check on aisle three.

Instead of throwing rice at the bride and groom as they left, friends and relatives set up tables and asked the newlyweds if they would like to donate any money to charity.

The couple rode off in a shopping cart with one of those "Just Married" signs and tin cans trailing behind.

This marriage might be in trouble, though. The groom was overheard asking about the store's return policy.

Before the wedding, the minister said, "It's not the place that counts, but the act that is going to be performed here." I think he may have actually been talking about the honeymoon.

PBS, the Public Broadcasting System, held its annual meeting last Sunday, at which it was suggested that if Congress donated five billion dollars, the network could operate as a private, nonprofit organization. Also, each member of Congress would receive a nifty tote bag.

When asked what he thought about Hillary Clinton reportedly having imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt, Bob Dole said, "Well, I used to have imaginary conversations with Abraham Lincoln. Come to think of it, I used to have real conversations with Abraham Lincoln."

A vegetarian bus driver has been fired after refusing to hand out Carl's Jr. hamburger coupons to passengers as part of the restaurant's "If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face" promotion. When asked for comment, the driver's boss said, "If he doesn't pass out coupons for us, he doesn't belong on the bus."

A South Korean man named Choi Jong-yul recently completed a trek across the Sahara Desert on foot, a 4,588-mile trip that took seven months. When asked what the worst part of the journey was, Jong-yul replied, "Uh. . . all of that walking."

Yesterday, O.J. Simpson walked out of the L.A. County Men's Central Jail a free man. When asked about his future plans, Simpson replied, "Well, I'm not going to kill any more people, that's for sure."

Speed-reader Evelyn Wood, who is said to have read up to 15,000 words per minute, and who made a career out of teaching her techniques to thousands of people, has passed away at the age of 86. Funeral services will be held September 1st. One of Wood's former students is scheduled to deliver the eulogy, which is expected to last about five seconds.

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