There's something I look for everyday at UCR. It's not a quality education, for I supposedly found that when I enrolled. It's not the credit I deserve, for I already have a Visa card ("It's everywhere you want to be in debt"). It's not the discipline to finish everything I start, for. . . oh, never mind. It's something that nearly everybody looks for everyday at UCR.
A parking space.
I recently paid $100 for a Looking Permit. It says: "Theoretically, there are several empty parking spaces at UCR marked by yellow lines, and you are hereby permitted to look for these spaces until you find one or until June 30, 1996, whichever comes first."
The key words here are "yellow lines." Many UCR parking lots have two sections: one containing white-lined faculty spaces and one containing a yellow-lined student space. . . uh, spaces. Take Lot 13. It's on the eastern edge of the campus and stretches into the desert. The two sections in this lot are:
1. California (the white spaces)
2. Arizona (the yellow spaces)
There are more white spaces around campus (38,000) than faculty members in the entire UC system (17). What's worse, the number of white spaces continually grows, yet no new lots are constructed. This occurs through a phenomenon which maybe you have witnessed also: yellow stripes turn white. I used to think that sunlight was to blame; it seems reasonable that yellow lines will fade after years in the sun and appear white. Then I realized these transformations were happening randomly and without warning. Now I think that occasionally some employees from Parking Services get together late at night, run down to the 24-hour Standard Brands, buy a couple gallons of all-purpose white and some brushes, and have themselves a painting party. Often, the paint doesn't have time to dry before morning; this explains why faculty members are running around UCR with white paint on the soles of their shoes. Grab a professor's foot and see for yourself.
Fortunately, there's always one lot I can go to: Lot 30. The original Dirty Thirty. Maybe you don't know where this is. Good. Keep circling Lot 1 or 6 or wherever.
Lot 30 has no color boundaries. I can park in any space I want. And it's never full, because most vehicles don't get good enough gas mileage to make it all the way out there. But, if you're lucky enough to park in this lot, here's a hint for whiling away those minutes of huffing and puffing your way back to campus: imagine you're at Disneyland. Make believe that when you're walking under Interstate 215, it's really the monorail. Also, pretend your Chem class is actually "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride" ("You must be at least as tall as the bottom of this sign to take the midterm"). The only difference is that at Disneyland you can park anywhere from Section A ("Alice") to Section W ("Winnie the Pooh"), while in Lot 30 your only choice is Section U ("U Will Never Get to Class on Time").
And for those who still can't see any similarities, consider this: Disneyland has Goofy; UCR has the Director of Parking Services.